Grief doesn't end, it transforms. So many of us look at grief and think all of the work is done in the beginning. While this may be true, it's also true that it may hit you randomly, out of nowhere and level you, even years later, and that's okay. For me, grief is like a wave. In the beginning, the waves come in hard, and with great turbulence. It can feel like a hurricane and honestly, there's not much you can do when it hits. You just hunker down and sit in that safe place. You ride out the storm. You let all the feelings come up. You cry. You scream. You pray. You talk about it. You try to sleep. You wonder when you will feel better; when the waves and wind will stop crashing; when the pain will end and when is it safe to peek outside and assess the damage. Though I've never been in a hurricane, I imagine it has to be awful, but I also know that all hurricanes pass and after they do, you clean up the mess. It may be a little mess. It may be big, but it will pass and as long as you can survive the storm, you can rebuild.
I've survived my share of grief, but my most recent one still can hit me like it happened yesterday. My oldest daughter made the choice to separate me from her life. There's so much behind this story. Years worth of stories, chaos and turmoil. The story isn't important. Blame isn't going to fix it. Blame is what got us here. Hating someone's choice(s) won't bring her back, so that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about what you do when the grief, the pain comes at you all over again. We think time heals all wounds, but there's nothing further from the truth. Time puts some distance between you and the memories, the initial shock, the overwhelm, the loss. Time lets you see it with more clarity, but time doesn't magically erase the pain. That shit needs felt. It needs felt with all your being. Feeling it is the magic answer. It's like an internal wound you can't see, but one that may still be open, a wound that still needs your attention. It needs you to see it, to tend to it so it can continue to heal.
We've all had physical wounds on the outside. We see it. We feel it. We put a band-aid on it. We get stitches if we need to. We cover it, we put ointment on it, we watch it, we do what is needed to heal it, right? We don't ignore bleeding physical wounds, but yet, we can easily ignore our inner wounds. Wounds that can't be seen by our physical eye, but that still remain unhealed. So, when the feelings come up, it's just your body telling you. "Hey, I'm still here. We still have a problem. This wound still needs your attention." So, we have our own choice to make when those feelings rear their ugly head. Ignore them, or give them the attention they deserve.
Today happens to be one of those days for me. It came out of nowhere and hit me like a big wave in the ocean. For a little while, I went under, just like if it happened in the ocean. You lose your balance. You sputter and gasp and give it your all to get back above water. This is also what you do when you find yourself getting hit by a wave of grief. Tears flowed. I lost my bearings. I felt overwhelmed and scared and then, I got back up. How long this takes is a sign of your resilience. Maybe it was just for a few minutes, an hour, the whole day, or all week. Hopefully it's not for too long, and if so, please ask for help. You would scream for help if you were drowning, and grief needs to be seen in the same light. You don't have to do it alone and sometimes, help is needed. But sometimes, you just need to ride the wave also. You just need to fall down, lose your bearings, cry, get angry, feel it all over again, talk about it, wallow in the mud and then, when you are ready, when you've given it the attention it needs, you get back up.
There's nothing wrong with you. My mother took her life over 25 years ago, and sometimes I still tear up and wonder what my life would have been like if she had chosen to stay. My daughter has exited my life countless times in the last 13 years, and I still can't say I'm completely over it. Most days I am fine. Most days I am happy and joyful and I count my blessings, but every once in awhile a wave will strike and I can still get knocked down from it. And you know what, that's okay. It's the price that I pay for love, and I dearly love her, even if I don't like her choices.
So, next time you get hit by a grief wave, don't berate yourself for thinking you should be over this. Don't run from it, don't ignore it, just feel it. Just sit with the emotions, the pain, the grief that emerges. (For my more expansive list, see below). This too shall pass, I promise you, as long as you give it the attention it deserves. By doing this, you've given your body what it needs to heal. Just like your body knows how to heal a physical wound, it also knows how to get you through an emotional wound. Your tears are the ointment it needed. Your attention may be the final stitch to help it all come together and ultimately heal over. The scar will never go away. It's there to remind you of someone who left a mark in your story and that will never be erased.
Ten things I do when grief strikes
1. Don't fight back the tears. Let them flow (when it's safe).
2. Write about it. You see I've done it here, but sometimes I just journal about it. Recognize and write down the feelings you are experiencing.
3. Talk to a safe person. This is hard for me, even with my safe people. I don't want pity, and I also struggle with vulnerability. I can still tend to view that as weakness. So, for me, growth lies outside that comfort zone. I'd rather close everyone off and hide, but today I talked to my other daughter about it and I went to my husband and just asked for a hug, while I cried in his arms. I spent time processing it alone, but also with others.
4. Go braless. Ha Ha. Okay men, I don't have one for you, but for us women, just be free today. Now do this when appropriate of course, but give yourself a little bit of power. Yes, it's small and may seem silly, but it's an act of empowerment to counter the helpless feelings that you may be experiencing.
5. Stay active. Don't skip your workout and avoid negative coping methods. All I want to do when I'm sad is get out a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, pop me a big bowl of buttered popcorn and sit in front of the TV and veg out. I've done this way too often and it leads me to nowhere (even if I temporarily enjoy it). Am I telling you to never do this? No! I'm just saying now might not be the best time. Someone smart once said, "I never drink when I'm sad because I don't want that to be how I manage my sadness." I found a lot of wisdom in this, so I apply it to other coping measures in life also, which includes overeating and vegging in front of the TV.
6. Do some random acts of self-care. For example, I wore only super comfy clothes (sweats and a sweatshirt) today (and went bra-less). Now my schedule allowed for it today, but even if it didn't, I could have applied this when I got home. Just do something for you that sparks joy, whatever that may look like. Make yourself a cup of your favorite tea. Spend extra time playing with your cat. Read an extra chapter in your book. Put away your to-do list for the day. It doesn't matter what it is, just love yourself a little extra today.
7. If the person you are grieving is still on Earth, pray for them. This is powerful. It sends love to them, while opening your own heart.
8. If the person you are grieving is on the other side, have a conversation with them. It can be pleasantries or it can be a hard conversation. I've dealt with a lot of childhood issues related to my mother by having "pretend" conversations with her. Say what you would say if they were still here, or what you needed to say but never got the chance.
9. Tap. If you've never tried EFT or tapping, it's a great way to let go of painful emotions and love yourself. Here's a video to watch to give you an intro, related to grief and sadness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDyw3MLwzmo
10. Go to bed early. Your emotions are high and that's exhausting. Give yourself some extra time to rest. Your physical body needs it and your mental and emotional body also will use the extra time, through dreams, to help you process it further.
Angela Miller is an RN and Emotional Health Coach. She is passionately pursuing her calling to help people transform pain into purpose. To schedule a free consult, or for more information, visit www.soaringforward.com.