27 Jun

Have you ever started crying for what appeared like no reason? All of a sudden the emotions hit, the tears fall and you say to yourself or to anyone near you, "I have no idea why I'm crying." I have.

It happened today. I was trying to coax one of my escaped foster kittens back into their crate with a spoon full of food. He escaped from his 3 siblings the day before, and I wanted him to return with no trauma, or loss of trust in what we had built over the last few days. The way the cage door was positioned, and where I was, it just made it difficult to keep edging him into the cage, so I decided once he was in reach, I would grab him and put him back in the crate. It all was going fine until the grab. He reacted like a scared kitten and did his best to wiggle away, and bite off the tip of my index finger. It didn't feel good, but it did work. He's back, safe and sound, and then I started crying.

I walked up to my bathroom to cleanse my wounds with tears streaming down my cheeks. I looked at my husband and said, "Don't ask me why I'm crying. I don't even know why." Now, here's where most of us stop. We cry, not sure why, and then we move on. Not me. I don't let any emotions go unheard or felt. I knew they had emerged for a reason, and I wasn't about to let this opportunity go.

I took the opportunity to dive into an emotional block box I created. It's literally a box full of emotions that you can see and touch. As I go thru the box, I pull out what resonates. In this case, I was able to identify hurt, heartbreak and disappointment, all related to sadness and grief. 

After I give it a name, or a label, I go into my body to see if I can literally feel where I am holding it. I can feel the pressure in my chest, a heaviness. I notice a memory emerges. That little kitty literally bit the hand that fed him, and that wasn't the first time I had experienced these emotions. I remembered my oldest daughter turning her back on me, for 3 years, with no communication. I remembered how it nearly broke me. I remembered the betrayal. I gave birth to this child. I loved her with all my heart. I fought for her. I protected her. I would give my life for her, and in return, I was given a big plate of unappreciation. Now, there's a lot more to this story, but it isn't necessary for me to rehash it all, which is not always the case. Sometimes you do want to tell the story, but eventually, once you work thru the emotions behind it, that desire stops. 

Without going into details, let's just say this was a dark period in my life. Prior to this, my identity was very wrapped up in being a mother and in my children, so when one of them betrayed me, it hit hard. In my old belief system, no good mother would be estranged from one of their children, so, since I was, that must make me a bad mother, right?

I remember my other daughter squelching that belief immediately. "Mom," she said. "Is God a good Father?" "Of course," I replied. "Well there's millions of people who don't talk to him and that doesn't change who he is."

It was such a grand voice of wisdom and it hit hard, but it didn't stop the pain. That continued to roll in. I worked thru it, and, in doing so, I was able to break the stronghold that the mom identity kept me in. My worst fear has always been losing a child. I got a peek at it. Thankfully, she was still here on earth, and thankfully, she did return. We are fine now, but it will forever remain a turning point in my life.

So, did my crying mean I hadn't cleared thru the pain? Somewhat yes. My body remembered, even if my mental, emotional and spiritual self worked thru it. Being bitten as I literally fed this innocent kitten, just triggered my body to remember that I have experienced this before. So, I let the memory flow. I cried. I rubbed lemon balm oils on my lungs, which are great for sadness. I put forgiveness oil on my heart, to help me release anything I may still be holding on to, and then I blogged. For me, blogging is like making some extra space in my body. Space for better things. 

I also noticed some old divorce memories re-emerge. I always felt like I had done so much to keep our marriage together. I tolerated more than I should have. In so doing, I emptied myself. In the end, it wasn't enough, and my ex didn't kindly walk away. He attempted to destroy everything about my life. I wish I was exaggerating. It was a brutal divorce, that I still remain thankful for. He freed me from the prison I had put myself in 22 years prior. I had to restart, rebuild and I did and I've never been happier, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. My body remembers that too.

So, what's my point in sharing all this? Don't ignore your body when it talks to you. Every emotion, every pain, every scar is recorded. It's a survival mechanism we were built with. We all have physical scars that we can recollect where they came from. Well, we all have emotional scars also. My tears were either showing me an unhealed part of me, or they were just reacting to a familiar emotion. I don't know, but I do know that we should treat our tears like gold. Don't ignore them. Tears mean there's something there that wants to be seen, felt or heard. They just want your attention, and they are less likely to return if you give it to them.

Awareness is key. After that, just allow yourself to go into the pain. That's where the healing lies. If you want to heal it, you have to feel it. Do what you feel is necessary from there to release it. Add as many of your senses to it as possible, which is why I use oils, but sometimes I use herbal teas instead, to add the element of taste (or you can put the oil under your tongue if you are brave). After that, I like to download it out. If it's anger, do I need to find a physical way to release it? Do I need to forgive someone? What do I need to do to help heal this scar? I follow my intuition, which is God's guidance. Sometimes I am guided to write a forgiveness letter (that never gets mailed or seen by anyone). In this case, blogging was all I needed. 

Your goal is to simply be aware of what came up, identify the feeling and then let yourself feel it. After that, follow your intuition on the best way to let it go. After I publish this, I'm headed to my garden, to feel connected. When sadness and grief strikes, often the need behind it is connection. In order to balance our negative emotions, we bring it's positive counterpart to the table. For me, gardening also brings me satisfaction, comfort and healing. 

For more information, on how to work through your emotions, stay tuned for my upcoming book that will be provided with every emotional block box that is sold. You can purchase a box at my website for $25. https://www.soaringforward.com/store. If you are local, please reach out to me instead by emailing me at angela@soaringforward.com, so we can meet up to avoid shipping fees.

Angela Miller is an RN and Emotional Health Coach. She is passionately pursuing her calling to help people transform pain into purpose. To schedule a free consult, or for more information, visit www.soaringforward.com. 

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